BREAKING: François Hollande and Barack Obama Negotiate Return of Statue of Liberty to France

Nov 16, 5:58 PM EST


WASHINGTON (AP) — In a joint conference between American President Barack Obama and French President François Hollande, it has been announced that the Statue of Liberty will be dismantled and returned to France, where it will reside in the Louvre as a relic of a bygone era.

“My administration has been under increasing pressure from Republicans in Congress, as well as from several of our Governors, to return the Statue,” President Obama said this afternoon. “Apparently the inscription ‘Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,’ is being seen now as a national embarrassment.”

President Hollande affirmed that the Statue would take up residence just outside the Louvre, with the offending plaque melted down. “It offends the values of our nation also,” said Hollande. “These Algerians in our country, well, they didn’t ask to be a part of France. It’s an embarrassing reminder of a legacy that we’d just as soon forget.”

The copper statue, designed by Frédéric Auguste Bartholdi, a French sculptor, was built by Gustave Eiffel and dedicated on October 28, 1886. It was a gift to the United States from the people of France. Fundraising for the statue had begun in 1882. As part of one such effort, an auction of art and manuscripts, poet Emma Lazarus was asked to donate an original work. She saw a way to express her empathy for these refugees in terms of the statue. The resulting sonnet, “The New Colossus,” including the iconic lines, which will soon be removed.

When asked for comment, Presidential candidate Donald Trump said, “This is good, this is good. We don’t want these kinds of people here, these types. They should have stayed and fought for their own country, but now they’re here asking for a free ride? Who needs ’em? It’s good that the Statue is going. It doesn’t reflect our values. Never did. And with real estate prices the way they are in New York? We’re going to develop the shit out of Liberty Island.”

Mike Huckabee to Publish The Bible, American Evangelical Edition

Nov 17, 2:43 PM EST


LITTLE ROCK (AP) — In a press release today, Mike Huckabee’s campaign said that they would be publishing a new version of the Bible. Enclosed is an excerpt of the press release:

As we have entered the 21st century, Conservatives have been increasingly concerned with what they perceive as the disconnect between the world they live in, and the Christian values they read in the Bible. And as a new generation comes of age, it is important that we educate them in the values that have been important to American Christians in the past three centuries.

As a result, this new Bible will remove all words spoken by Jesus Christ.  Parables like the Samaritan might be mistaken as an admonition to feed the hungry and shelter the weak. In fact, recent scholarship suggests that the Samaritan was snuck into the Bible by Communist agents in the 1920s.

Instead, Jesus Christ will spread the Free Market Gospel that has has come to define our Church. The American Evangelical Edition of the Bible will now include John Galt’s 80 page speech from Atlas Shrugged instead of the Sermon of the Mount. The Sermon might cause the wealthy to question their place in the world and the universe, instead of affirming their right to dominate it.

To emphasize their importance in modern Protestant theology, the books of Genesis and Leviticus will each be printed three times in the Bible, so that they may have their proper weight in influencing Evangelical morality. In addition, Moses will give a speech about the dangers of Climate science.

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